Food addiction recovery and the McDonald’s drive thru…..

This is a topic that I could discuss on many different levels so forgive me if I jump back and forth today!  First off I must say that stress STINKS!!!!  You know those days/weeks that seem to drive you nuts between all of the stress from work/home/family/personal etc….. Sometimes trying to manage it all just doesn’t seem doable and these past few weeks have been very trying on my head and heart.  I didn’t have a care in the world of what it was that I was going to eat but I knew I was going to eat a lot of whatever it was.

Through all of this I’ve found myself searching for food throughout my cabinets at all times of the day.  It didn’t matter if it was 8am or 2am I was searching for something salty and crunchy.  I just kept hoping that whatever I found would make me numb enough to not feel the stress or the heartache.

As a recovering food addict there are times when I face relapse and honestly have no clue it’s going on.  Recognizing those signs can be difficult for me to see and admit because I feel guilty and shameful.    I think what floors me the most is being almost 5years out from surgery I honestly thought battling this addition would get easier and I would recognize the signs faster maybe?????  Anxiety/stress was higher than normal, I stopped eating because my stomach was so upset then I’d find myself drained with no energy and stark craving crazy searching for comfort food.  Sleep?  Are you kidding me?  What is that?

I didn’t reach out because I didn’t want to bother anyone and I kept telling myself everyone has stress/anxiety why am I making a big deal about mine?

One day I found myself going through the McDonalds drive thru for the normal un sweet tea.   I pay at the window, get to the second window and out comes a McDonald’s bag with my tea.  I drive off like normal, get on the interstate and about 10minutes later start smelling an awful aroma in my car.  The light bulb finally comes on and reminds me that I have a bag of fast food.  I seriously remember thinking what in the he*& is in this bag?  Holy Schnikies, it was my old friend the famous sausage Mcmuffin with extra cheese that just happens to be my past favorite breakfast sandwich from McDonalds, with the receipt to show me that I ordered it !!!!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? 

Then the stinking thinking comes into play.  I hear that little voice saying “I should not be struggling with food this far out.  What would happen if I ate just one bite?  What if one bite isn’t enough?  What if I do this again tomorrow?  What if I don’t stop eating and gain all of my weight back? 

The aroma turns from awful to YUMMY, my senses kick in and I couldn’t get that sandwich up to my mouth fast enough!   I start to rationalize by telling myself how ridiculous I sound and that one breakfast sandwich isn’t going to make me gain all of my weight back.   I take that first bite and start to remember all of those pay-days when I would stop by McDonald’s for my breakfast treat and how much I missed the taste.

Ever heard of RELAPSE????  Here’s your sign!!!!

Life is hard and food is easy…. These are the times I have a Love/Hate relationship with food and today I’m leaning towards the hate. 

I love how food tastes BUT hate how it makes me feel at times like this!!!