This is a topic that I could discuss on many different
levels so forgive me if I jump back and forth today! First off I must say that stress
STINKS!!!! You know those days/weeks that
seem to drive you nuts between all of the stress from work/home/family/personal
etc….. Sometimes trying to manage it all just doesn’t seem doable and these
past few weeks have been very trying on my head and heart. I didn’t have a care in the world of what it
was that I was going to eat but I knew I was going to eat a lot of whatever it
was.
Through all of this I’ve found myself searching for food
throughout my cabinets at all times of the day.
It didn’t matter if it was 8am or 2am I was searching for something
salty and crunchy. I just kept hoping that
whatever I found would make me numb enough to not feel the stress or the
heartache.
As a recovering food addict there are times when I face
relapse and honestly have no clue it’s going on. Recognizing those signs can be difficult for
me to see and admit because I feel guilty and shameful. I
think what floors me the most is being almost 5years out from surgery I
honestly thought battling this addition would get easier and I would recognize
the signs faster maybe?????
Anxiety/stress was higher than normal, I stopped eating because my
stomach was so upset then I’d find myself drained with no energy and stark
craving crazy searching for comfort food.
Sleep? Are you kidding me? What is that?
I didn’t reach out because I didn’t want to bother anyone
and I kept telling myself everyone has stress/anxiety why am I making a big
deal about mine?
One day I found myself going through the McDonalds drive
thru for the normal un sweet tea. I pay at the window, get to the second window
and out comes a McDonald’s bag with my tea.
I drive off like normal, get on the interstate and about 10minutes later
start smelling an awful aroma in my car.
The light bulb finally comes on and reminds me that I have a bag of fast
food. I seriously remember thinking what
in the he*& is in this bag? Holy
Schnikies, it was my old friend the famous sausage Mcmuffin with extra cheese
that just happens to be my past favorite breakfast sandwich from McDonalds,
with the receipt to show me that I ordered it !!!!
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???
Then the stinking
thinking comes into play. I hear
that little voice saying “I should not be struggling with food this far
out. What would happen if I ate just one
bite? What if one bite isn’t
enough? What if I do this again
tomorrow? What if I don’t stop eating
and gain all of my weight back?
The aroma turns from awful to YUMMY, my senses kick in and I
couldn’t get that sandwich up to my mouth fast enough! I start to rationalize by telling myself how
ridiculous I sound and that one breakfast sandwich isn’t going to make me gain
all of my weight back. I take that first bite and start to remember
all of those pay-days when I would stop by McDonald’s for my breakfast treat
and how much I missed the taste.
Ever heard of RELAPSE???? Here’s your sign!!!!
Life is hard and food is easy…. These are the times I have a
Love/Hate relationship with food and today I’m leaning towards the hate.
I love how food
tastes BUT hate how it makes me feel at times like this!!!
